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Emotionally Unavailable: What It Means & 15 Signs To Look For

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Emotionally Unavailable: What It Means & 15 Signs To Look For

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Gigi Engle is a sexologist, certified sex coach, and author of 'All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life.' As a sexpert for Womanizer and brand ambassador with Lifestyle Condoms, she promotes and teaches about pleasure-based sex education, masturbation, and safer sex practices. She also serves as a Pleasure Professional with O.school, where she teaches a number of classes centered around pleasure, sexual health, and confidence.

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March 17, 2020

We hear the phrase "emotionally unavailable" thrown around quite a bit, but what does that even mean, really? Maybe someone has told you that you always end up with emotionally unavailable people, and you're trying to break the habit. Maybe you simply suspect your new partner or fresh Tinder honey might be emotionally unavailable. Here's what you need to know about how to spot an emotionally unavailable person.

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In This Article

1 Meaning 2

Signs of an emotionally unavailable partner

3

Signs you are emotionally unavailable

4 Is it bad?

What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable? 

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Being emotionally unavailable describes someone who is not open to discussing or sharing their feelings. They can be evasive, flaky, or hard to read. "They're scared of intimacy," explains licensed couples therapist Brooke Sprowl, LCSW, CNTS.

Licensed psychotherapist Pam Shaffer, MFT, adds that being emotionally unavailable often reflects a lack of emotional depth. "It doesn't mean that something is wrong with you, but it may mean that you are using your emotional bandwidth to cope with your own feelings or circumstances, so you don't have enough to necessarily tune into another person," she explains.

According to Sprowl, the term "emotionally unavailable" is essentially born from meme culture and has been popularized in the last decade or so, so you won't find it in any diagnostic psychology manual. It's a phrase that has further found its footing due to "hookup culture" and dating app popularity.

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Signs of an emotionally unavailable partner:

1.

They don't communicate consistently. 

Sure, not everyone is available all the time for a super-quick text back, but if this is happening all the time, take note. If "someone is leaving you guessing as to when they are going to talk to you, chances are good that they are not emotionally available to truly connect and make you feel heard," Shaffer says. When someone is there for you and is into you, they want to talk to you and will make the effort.

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2.

They avoid conversations that go deeper.

If the person you're seeing has no interest in getting "deep" with your conversations, especially when it comes to your relationship, that's a sign of emotional unavailability. If they "avoid engaging in communication or discussions centered around commitment or even getting closer in the relationship," you should beware, says Fran Walfish, Ph.D., a family and relationship psychotherapist, and author of The Self-Aware Parent. Someone who doesn't want to share anything truly impactful about themselves is rarely someone who wants to have a serious relationship.

3.

They feel overwhelmed or smothered by emotional intimacy.

Emotionally unavailable people often masquerade as being fiercely independent and self-sufficient. Sprowl says that this is an illusion used to evade being vulnerable with feelings. Wanting a little space in a relationship can be a sign of emotional control and wherewithal, but sometimes an excessive need for alone time in a relationship can be a reflection of discomfort with intimacy. The "primary drive is independence, and their greatest fear is engulfment—in other words, losing themselves in another person or being subsumed. They seek space and solitude to regulate their anxiety, especially during conflicts," she says.

It's possible to date with an avoidant attachment style, but it likely means there are some insecurities that need healing.

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4.

They avoid labels. 

Pretending you're not in a relationship when you are in a relationship is a red flag. If the person you're dating doesn't want to "label" the relationship, chances are things are not organically developing in a healthy way. "Relationships can take many forms, but if someone refuses to define their relationship or talk about what you can both expect from it while still wanting all the benefits of it, they might not be ready to be an available partner," Shaffer explains.

Source : www.mindbodygreen.com

Signs of an emotionally unavailable person

We all have had moments when feelings have overwhelmed us. But for an emotionally unavailable person, it's a whole different task to even acknowledge what is happening in their head. They keep themselves away from vulnerable moments that could create a real connection otherwise. An emotionally unavailable person has a hard time receiving love and other emotions from others. If you know someone who has been confusing you with his/her behaviour, chances are he/she is an emotionally unavailable person. And we're here to list down some signs to help you judge better

Signs of an emotionally unavailable person

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01/8Signs of an emotionally unavailable person

We all have had moments when feelings have overwhelmed us. But for an emotionally unavailable person, it's a whole different task to even acknowledge what is happening in their head. They keep themselves away from vulnerable moments that could create a real connection otherwise. An emotionally unavailable person has a hard time receiving love and other emotions from others. If you know someone who has been confusing you with his/her behaviour, chances are he/she is an emotionally unavailable person. And we're here to list down some signs to help you judge better

02/8They haven't had a serious relationship

Relationship history is important when you wish to date a new person. It can give you an idea of how your future with this person could look like. But if a person hasn't been in a long-term relationship, they might just be incapable of it. These are the people who exit a relationship as soon as it starts to get serious.

03/8They refrain from talking about serious matters

An emotionally unavailable person will not engage in deep conversations. They would want to change the subject each time you try to bring up something serious. If you can't bond with someone over real conflicts, you can't see yourself in a long-term relationship with them.

04/8They won't show consistent affection

Emotionally unavailable people show very mild affection and that too on a rare basis. They don't know how to use their touch, compliments or intimacy. They try to avoid showing affection on most times.

05/8They're literally unavailable most of the time

This means, they will keep ignoring your calls, messages, cancel on plans and do everything to have the least interactions with you. All of it intentionally. Emotionally unavailable people like to keep their distance because they don't want to form real connections.

06/8They won't respect your time

Ever heard how sexy punctuality is? Don't you like a person who's always on time, never makes you wait and makes sure they always show up? Emotionally unavailable people, on the other hand, will arrive late on a date and act like it's totally acceptable. They will also find a way to cut down on spending quality time together.

07/8They consider showing emotions as weak

An emotionally unavailable person always thinks that people who express their emotions are easy to judge and criticize. This is why they associate emotional needs with negativity. They get very uncomfortable with being serious and poke fun of you when you start showing your emotions.

08/8They won't put the same effort into the relationship

Any healthy relationship works best when both people put equal efforts into it. But for an emotionally unavailable person, it's difficult. They just can't seem to get to the same place as you. They always assume that they will be let down and so they don't end up putting any effort at all.

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Source : timesofindia.indiatimes.com

13 Signs Of An Emotionally Unavailable Partner And What To Do

Emotionally unavailable daters are all too common these days. Relationship experts explain what that term means, 13 signs to watch for, and how to proceed.

13 Signs Of An Emotionally Unavailable Partner—And WTH To Do About It

It isn't just a throwaway label.

BY ALYSSA GIRDWAIN AND GEORGIA DAVIS

JAN 4, 2022

PHOTO BY MARIANNA ARMATAGETTY IMAGES

So, you texted that person you’ve been seeing for a couple months, and 10 hours later, still no response *sigh*. You’re trying not to be clingy and double text (let’s be real, quadruple text), but you can’t even get this person to commit to getting drinks in the next two weeks. They keep blowing you off, and they don’t even care how you’re feeling or checking in with you.

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You don't know what you did wrong—and you don’t even think you did something wrong. If this is you, chances are you might be seeing someone who is "emotionally unavailable." It'd be nice if the term was just a throwaway label to help you deal with people who just aren't interested in committing to you. But sadly, this breed of dater does, in fact, exist.

As anyone with a pulse knows, feelings can be scary. But that goes tenfold for the emotionally unavailable peeps, who use excuses and aloofness to hide from authentic connection. As if dating today weren't hard enough, plucking out the emotionally unavailable from an already shrinking pool of available partners is just one more thing you have to deal with. Can't you catch a break?

What does being "emotionally unavailable" actually mean?

Feelings are overwhelming as is, but for someone who's emotionally unavailable, it’s a task and a half to even acknowledge what’s happening in their head. They shrink away from vulnerable moments that would otherwise create a real connection.

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"An emotionally unavailable person has a hard time receiving love and other deep emotions from others," says therapist Alyson Cohen, LCSW. It’s tough to understand "the feelings of others, because they can hardly understand their own." They’re not self-aware about how their aversion to intimacy affects a potential partner, either.

"Oftentimes, they can appear quite socially advanced, but more complex emotions that go beyond niceties are often lacking," Cohen says. It’s easy for them to push people away who tiptoe toward their emotional boundaries—which, btw, can be extreme. Meanwhile, on your side, it feels like something in the relationship is off, and you can’t quite find your footing.

But, an aversion to opening up isn’t always a bad sign. So if you hear "Let's take things slow," that's not necessarily a relationship death wish.

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As you can imagine, what it comes down to is communication. The person who’s a little more guarded will be "considerate of the fact that their behavior might make someone else feel anxious," Cohen says. This person will talk to you about it, whereas the emotionally unavailable person won’t.

There are a few reasons someone might be emotionally unavailable, some of which are bigger red flags than others. Maybe they’re just not that into you, says Marni Feuerman, PsyD, marriage therapist and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart About Healthy Relationships. Or they’re going through a dramatic life transition (recent breakup, career change, etc.) and their emotions are hard to pin down.

However—and this is a big however—"if you find you are with someone who is willing to be in a relationship, but constantly puts up barriers to intimacy, then the cause may run deeper than a temporary situation," Feuerman says. Unaddressed childhood wounds and beliefs can undoubtedly bleed into their adult relationships (as do yours, btw).

For the emotionally unavailable, "the unconscious idea here is that if you can block feelings, you can also block out your pain," Cohen says. Too real? Try being on the other end of it, too. Neither is fun.

Dating today is hard—emotionally unavailable people are only one piece of it. Here's some help to navigate the rest:

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Spotting an emotionally unavailable person isn’t as easy as it sounds, but experts have rounded up some potential warning signs that your person might not be ready for all that a committed relationship entails:

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1. They haven’t been in serious relationships.

No, relationship history isn’t everything, but it can give a hint or two about what the future may look like. If a person has never been in a long-term, meaningful relationship, they might be incapable of it. "These partners will exit relationships before they are able to get more serious," Cohen says.

2. They don’t like talking about real sh*t.

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As in, less talk about their latest Netflix obsession and more "Let’s talk about the work crisis ruining my life." An emotionally unavailable partner won’t seem engaged during these chats, even when you want their ear the most. If you can’t bond over the real conflicts in your life, you won’t be able to form an intimate connection.

Source : www.womenshealthmag.com