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AITA for telling my adult daughter that nobody wants her around? : AmItheAsshole
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AITA for telling my adult daughter that nobody wants her around?
submitted 1 year ago bynobodywantsyouAITA
I'm a 55 year old mom of 5 kids, living in the countryside in rural USA. Victoria, my oldest (30,) lost her job in the pandemic, and has been living with me since. I love her dearly, but I don't love her behavior. She often argues about house rules, like getting up at a reasonable hour, or helping out whenever her dad and I aren't home (doing chores, watching over our dogs, etc.) She says she's tired of being parented when she's an adult, but I remind her that she's living with us rent-free, and if she doesn't like it, she can leave. I won't kick her out because she'd never make it on the street. She's also on the autism spectrum, and is clinically depressed, but is more than capable of pulling her weight around here.
Earlier today, things got really heated. I'd been invested in a small house for Victoria to live in when she starts her new work-from-home job next week. I put her computer desk in the basement, but, today, she moved it to the living room upstairs without my permission, and scratched the walls in the process. She apologized for scratching the walls, and said the internet wasn't working in the basement. I had enough of her acting like she can do whatever she wants in MY house that I'M paying for. I told her "This is why nobody wants you around, Victoria; nobody. You're ugly on the inside. Nobody will want to do anything with you if you keep this up." Victoria was upset, telling me that no mom should ever say that to her daughter, and how "I've always known you'd be better off without me. Thanks for confirming it." I clarified that "socially" nobody wants her around if she keeps acting like this. It's a natural consequence of being so rude and disrespectful. Her little sister tried to defend me, saying sometimes Victoria does things that drive me crazy, even though I've done so much for her. Victoria later accused me of being a hypocrite since I said something rude to her, even though I hate it when she's rude to me. I stand by calling her out for her bad behavior, but my daughter's been crying all day, and her siblings have told me she's said things like "I don't belong here." "I don't fit it in with my own family." "You all would be happier without me."
AITA? Did I go too far, or did my daughter need to be called out for her behavior?
Edit: I don't make my daughter get up "early." I expect her to be up before 10 AM.
Edit 2: Keep in mind that this is the last straw on top of WEEKS of arguing with me, her dad, and her siblings, who have told me they don't want to be around Victoria because of how difficult she is. She doesn't help us or do nice things for us unless she's either asked to, or being paid for it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
What I said made my daughter feel unwanted, like our family would be happier without her.
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Asshole Aficionado 
411 points 1 year ago
"I don't belong here." "I don't fit it in with my own family." "You all would be happier without me."
INFO: were you actively trying to push her towards suicide? Will you even care? Because that last sentence does not sound good.
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Noelle_Frostmas Partassipant  866 points 1 year ago YTA
I told her "This is why nobody wants you around, Victoria; nobody. You're ugly on the inside. Nobody will want to do anything with you if you keep this up."
What mother in thier right mind would say that about their child. She is never going to forget what you've said and you'll be lucky if she ever speaks to you again.
[deleted] 132 points 1 year ago
My mother has said similar things when she goes off of her meds.
p0tat0p0tat0 12 points 1 year ago
As well as mine, although it was not related to medication. She just wanted to teach me a lesson, I guess?
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TheRealGongoozler 41 points 1 year ago
Especially their daughter they’ve acknowledged is clinically depressed! I’m 30 and living with a relative. I have clinical depression and other things. Some days are hard for me. Some days I don’t pull my weight. My relative says things in very polite and respectful ways to me and we work things out like adults! OP.. that was cruel. Insanely cruel. I cannot imagine what your poor daughter is feeling. FU YTA
AITA for telling my daughter to get over herself? : AmItheAsshole
25.1k votes, 3.4k comments. I was blessed with three beautiful children and unfortunately, my eldest, Brooke, passed away when she was 5 years old …
AITA for telling my daughter to get over herself?
3 months ago 2 5 4 3 4 2
AITA for telling my daughter to get over herself?
I was blessed with three beautiful children and unfortunately, my eldest, Brooke, passed away when she was 5 years old. It rocked my world and I know I haven’t been the same since. I went through therapy and still attend to this day, but a part of me died too.
I will never let my daughter be forgotten. I bring pictures of her to events such as holiday celebrations and birthdays. I talk about her all the time. Every year on my living children’s birthdays, I think of her and how her once younger siblings are now older than her.
My daughter, Marnie, is getting married next month. I asked her if she was having a memorial table and she said no. I asked her about creating a seat for her sister who passed, as she should be a part of the day. Marnie told me no, for once she wants a day about her. She says she couldn’t have one event that wasn’t about Brooke. Even her graduation, I had put a picture of her on the seat. She said I needed to stop making my grief “front stage”.
I told her she was being incredibly selfish and until she goes through a loss like this, she’ll never understand. Marnie asked me if her kids would have to live under the shadow of Brooke too. I told her she should be ashamed and to get over herself.
My son says I’m being terrible and I need to re-evaluate my life. AITA?
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level 1 SnausageFest MOD · 3 mo. ago · Stickied comment
AssGuardian of the Hole Galaxy
K, we're all set here. Locked.
Vote level 1 VictorianPlatypus · 3 mo. ago 2 24 15
Colo-rectal Surgeon 
You do realize that you've made your living children feel like they don't matter, right?
YTA. I cannot imagine your loss, but you've hurt your two living children by never allowing them to move on, and in your fear of having Brooke forgotten, you have ensured that they resent her memory.
60.8k level 2 juytdde · 3 mo. ago · edited 3 mo. ago 9 4 9
I understand wanting to keep a loved one’s memory alive but there’s a time, place, and prioritization for it. It’s disrespectful to the living children to (for the lack of better word) obsess with someone who is no longer here.
OP’s life revolves around the deceased daughter, so much so that it’s sickeningly offensive for op to put the other children second place.
I’m not gonna sugarcoat my words cause OP’s grieving. I don’t like op at all. She’s not a good or even a decent mother to her children right now, maybe in the future as well.
The other children don’t have the same bond to brook as op does. They should not be subjected to OP’s obsession. I’m sure the children feels the need to compete with their dead sister for a fraction of their mother’s attention.
They should miss her. Pain leads to happy memories. Why would they want to forget their sister?
Even her graduation, I had put a picture of her on he seat
Is Marnie happy? No. She wants your grief out of her life.Edit: I’m harsh with my words but don’t you, trolls and assholes, dare to pm op any “if you miss her so much, why don’t you join her” shit. That’s unacceptable and unforgivable.
Continue this thread
level 2 doublestitch · 3 mo. ago 2
OP has a therapist. It isn't Marnie. Brooke died at least 20 years ago.
I told her she was being incredibly selfish
Stating this as bluntly as OP puts it: OP is being incredibly selfish. It's rude to order someone how to arrange their wedding. It's beyond inappropriate to hijack somebody's wedding to impose a funerary memorial.
OP needs to be gracious at this landmark event in Marnie's life, or else stay home. Marnie isn't being "selfish." Her wedding actually is about her.
Every year on my living children’s birthdays, I think of her
Thinking of her would be OK. But...
Even her graduation, I had put a picture of her on the seat. She said I needed to stop making my grief “front stage”.
That's deploying Brooke's picture as a prop. And garners sympathy from well-meaning people who mistakenly suppose Brooke passed on the month before.
Marnie told me no, for once she wants a day about her. She says she couldn’t have one event that wasn’t about Brooke. Even her graduation, I had put a picture of her on the seat. She said I needed to stop making my grief “front stage”.
Marnie is setting a completely reasonable boundary.
u/Mother_Put_1042 at the rate you're going you're on track to lose more than the one daughter. Marnie isn't going to let her children play second fiddle to your therapy attention seeking.
(side comment: OP uses the word I 16 times in 14 lines)
AITA for telling my daughter that she's being cruel by blaming her father for her insecurities about her looks?
... AITA for telling my daughter that she's being cruel by blaming her father for her insecurities about her looks?
Posts by clove3355
2020-09-08 12:07:28 AITA for telling my daughter that she's being cruel by blaming her father for her insecurities about her looks?
2020-12-08 20:46:57 Update to AITA for telling my daughter that she's being cruel by blaming her father for her insecurities about her looks?
clove3355 14630 2020-09-08 12:07:28
My husband and I have three daughters. They are all absolutely gorgeous. Our oldest (19) and youngest (13) look more like me, while our middle daughter (17) looks more like her father.
My husband definitely has more strong amd unique features but I find him incredibly good looking, which is why I even married him.
Our middle daughter, however, has decided that her father is ugly, and by looking like him, so is she.
I feel very sad that she's trying to compare herself to bullshit beauty standards.
Unfortunately, she's also been teased at school and while we've managed to stop that, it hasn't helped the issue.
Our daughter's problems with her appearance started when she was around 12 and despite therapy and us trying various techniques recommended by therapists, her attitude is unchanged.
But it's really escalated the past few years when she started blaming her father for inheriting his genes. I have shut her down every time but my husband just lets her blame him if I'm not around.
Recently, my poor husband broke down in tears while we were in bed and said he felt really guilty that our daughter looks like him and that he can't help that's he's ugly. He has never had issues with his appearance before and was always very confident.
I was completely crushed. My husband also said that we should maybe look into paying for some of the plastic surgery our daughter has demanded. I disagree with that completely and we fought over it.
The next day, I confronted my daughter and I told her I understand she has serious self-esteem issues but she is being cruel to her father.
This triggered a meltdown from her and she hasn't talked to any of us since. She hasn't left her room in nearly two weeks. She won't even eat unless one of us leaves food outside her door.
My husband is gutted and is still blaming himself.
Was I wrong to say what I did?
KMachine42 14205 10m
NTA, your daughter is clearly in the wrong here, and shes 17, shes old enough to start dealing with her issues tbh, I was expecting this kind of behavior from a 14 year old, she cant change her appearence, but she can change her attitude, this is just a really toxic mindset to have and worst thing is she is blaming other people for something they have no control over, and the dad is letting it affect him, I know why he feels that way, but he needs to accept its something he had no control over
AngeloPappas 2931 1h52m
Agreed, this type of behavior is totally out of line for a 17 y/o. Having a meltdown at 17?? She needs more therapy with maybe a new therapist who specializes in body image issues.
drzoidberg84 11606 G 2h17m
17 is actually PRIME age to have a meltdown. Teenagers are raging hormone machines with poorly developed frontal lobes. It's why they engage in so much risk taking behavior. That doesn't mean that they can't understand right and wrong and regulate themselves, but the statement that this is out of line is pretty off base. Add in the fact that she sounds like she's being bullied at school, looks different from all the other women in her family, and was just scolded for her reaction to all of that, and it's not very difficult to understand her reaction.
Therapy is a great idea, but also just giving her time to age out of this and realize that unique looks are not the worst thing in the world. And honestly, I'm so sorry that this is hurting your husband, but he also needs to remember she's 17 and likely doesn't mean what she's saying. It also doesn't really matter whether he's ugly or handsome - it's hard having masculine features as a woman, especially when no one else in your family does.
lupe_de_poop 2305 2h34m
This is the right answer. Teenagers don't have the emotional intelligence to deal with all the new things they're feeling, and we all say stupid shit to our parents at this age. The father is an adult. He needs to take her with a grain of salt and put that girl in therapy to help her get over herself.
LurkNoMore201 917 3h49m
As a preteen I once accidentally made my mom cry by saying something I didn't think was cruel at the time, but looking back it really was.
Sometimes teens can say incredibly hurtful things without any malice, it happens.
I still feel bad about that incident to this day and occasionally feel like apologizing for what I said back then (except I don't want to bring it up again... It's been 20 years and I'm sure she's let it go, even if I haven't).
drzoidberg84 419 4h18m
I knew I was getting older when I would watch shows I loved as a teenager (My So Called Life, Freaks and Geeks) and absolutely cringe at the way they treated their parents. When I think about some of the stuff I said I so badly wish I could go back in time and stop it. Being a teenager is just really the worst.
DasWandbild 374 5h10m
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is on HBOMAX, so with some time to kill my gf and I decided to watch a couple episodes.